When I met my husband in the mid-nineties, there were no dating apps and we met the traditional way, at a party. When my marriage ended, I had no idea how to meet someone new. I was ill-prepared for this new dating world I tried to navigate as a woman in my forties. I made some mistakes! I had some dating horror stories. I share these and also tips and tricks from experts in my book, How to Break UP Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation. This is an edited extract from my book, when I brave the dating apps post separation, published in Your Weekend.
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My next online date was with a man who described himself as an author who had lived for some time in the United States and had a commerce degree. His photo let him down a bit — he was lifting a barbell in a gym — but I was willing to let that slide. He looked good: rounded features, full lips, big, clear eyes and a full head of hair.
When we met, I drew a mental black mark against him, as the photo had obviously been taken years before, with his hair now thinner and streaked with grey. (You’ll find many flattering, out-of-date profile pictures on dating apps.) But it was true that I had also blurred some truths myself: I didn’t say that I had children.
After a drink that he actually paid for, he invited me back to his house for another one. His studio flat was up a steep road with no parking. It smelled of cat piss. It was tiny, as big as my living room, filled with a grey Swiss ball, a single chair and a floral cat basket.
He picked up his cat, and held it up against his singlet. He told me he went to the gym twice a day, once at noon and once after work at his comms job, so his biceps bulged as he stroked his cat, veins protruding like meandering rivers. I asked him a lot of questions to make conversation. He talked a lot about himself. But he didn’t seem at all curious about me.
ʻWe could go to my room,’ he said, after a few minutes of silence.
I changed the subject. There was no way I was taking a single item of clothing off for this man, who was as dull as the limp red flower in a pot in his living room. ʻI should probably go, because we haven’t eaten,’ I replied.
ʻYeah. True. I could make us something.’
ʻThat would be great, thanks. Do you have toast?’
He shook his head. He was paleo and didn’t even have a toaster.
He boiled me an egg, serving it in its shell on one of just two plates in his cupboard. I nibbled it, the room echoing with our silence.
He didn’t have a single book or a bookshelf in his house. ʻWhere can I buy your book?’ I asked, keen to make conversation.
He told me he had self-published. I could buy his book on Amazon.
I swallowed the last bits of egg, made up an excuse about having to leave, and booked an Uber while he kept stroking his cat. When I got home, I texted Tara. ʻI can’t do this anymore. There are too many deadbeats out there. What the hell am I doing?’
I searched for the book and his name on Amazon, but there was nothing. I temporarily silenced my dating apps. Maybe the universe was telling me it was too soon.
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Online dating can feel like walking into a clothing store and being unable to find that little black dress you desperately need for a cocktail party. You go into the dressing room and try on a number of dresses, but everything is ill-fitting, the wrong shape or colour, or the wrong size.
One study by the American Pew Research Center found that a whopping 88 per cent of respondents felt let-down by what they had seen on dating apps.
When Alice started dating after her marriage ended, she was constantly disappointed by the men she met online. She eventually met someone, but tells me: ʻYou have to kiss a few frogs.’ I agree — and there was sadly no shortage of frogs to pick from.
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How do you go over and ask someone out (or wait for him to do so) if that was the way you met your long-term partner aeons ago? How about the smell and the look of a person? You don’t get that through a screen.
Ally Gibson is New Zealand’s online dating guru, who has researched the way we meet romantic partners and lovers online. I ask her if she’s got any advice for divorcées and those post a break-up, on how to ensure you don’t get those feelings of rejection amassing again when people don’t swipe and like you.
One option is to go with Bumble. Bumble is girl-power in the online dating scene. On this dating app, the woman gets the right to choose whether to converse with a guy, completely overturning the traditional way of dating. At the time this was being written, a third of those on Bumble in New Zealand had broken up from a relationship in the preceding two years; of all of those on Bumble, 36% were using the app for the first time. While Bumble doesn’t reveal its demographics, you’d think that would include mid-lifers and those looking to repartner after a break-up.
Ally thinks that apps like Bumble are preferable, as women have more control over who they interact with. ʻThey can be really appealing to women, because of what they offer or “afford” women. Heterosexual dating generally gives a lot of power to men (to make the first move, to initiate sex, to ask for a second date, etc). Mobile dating can also sometimes create the conditions for what can feel like unsolicited attention or advances that feel “too forward”, too soon. So being able to have control over initiating first contact can feel really empowering for women and enable them to take some of that control back.’
But Ally understands how tough it still is for those trying to meet someone online. Her advice for post-break-up dating is to be optimistic.
ʻThat ensures greater success among older people returning to the dating scene. While it’s easy and normal to get caught up in madly swiping through the potential matches that apps offer, it can really help to pace yourself and even set an amount of time you spend going through matches each day. This could help to avoid swiping fatigue or feeling overwhelmed by all the choices. While it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of new connections with people, remember that online dating can be quite quick and fleeting — one minute you feel a connection with someone and then you don’t.’
Remember friends ghosting you after a break-up? You might also be ghosted by a person on a dating app. Again, perfectly normal, says Ally. ʻGhosting is a common occurrence on dating apps — it’s easy to reject someone you’ve never met face-to-face. So it’s helpful to remind yourself that even though it feels deeply personal, it’s not actually you they’re rejecting. Also try to balance online dating with other social activities and connections with people in your life, that boost your self-esteem and remind you that you are valued.’
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Even though online dating is now the most common way of meeting someone across all demographics, it is absolutely normal to be nervous about signing up to a dating app. Lucille McCart, Bumble’s Australasian and Asian marketing manager, sees this a lot, especially among women who have been in a long-term relationship for years.
Her advice? Get a trusted friend to help write your bio, and definitely check out the photos you want to include.
ʻOften our friends have a better idea of what is great about us. You have to be a little bit self-deprecating, but not too self-deprecating,’ she says.
In some age groups, there is still a stigma about searching for love, partnership or a hook-up online. For women over 40 — like me — Lucille rightly points out that their last dating experience was probably the traditional way. Coupled with that, you’ve got a culture where women are increasingly comfortable with their sexuality, and if you’re a bit nervous about taking your clothes off and being in bed with a ʻstranger’ — again, this is normal.
ʻA lot has changed in possibly 20 years in terms of how sexual women are allowed to be, and the freedoms that have come with that.
Some things have changed for the negative as well. But that’s a big thing to get your head around: that it’s okay for women to just want to hook up, if that’s what they want.
ʻWith Bumble, women have to make the first move and really curate their experience. Often that’s the first time in their life that women of that demographic have had an experience like that, of being the curator of their dating experience. And that is really novel as well.’
Talking to Lucille, I wish that Bumble had been around when I went online more than a decade ago. But it’s only been a thing since 2014.
Lucille gives me some other tips I’ll share with you: be intentional and try not to spend hours and hours of your only child-free time swiping and searching; try not to typecast — if your definition of your ʻideal’ or ʻdream’ man or woman is too specific or too narrow, you might miss out. In other words, says Lucille, be open-minded. ʻIf you are looking for a dark-haired, 6 foot 2 Aries, you might have trouble,’ she says. But it’s a chance to also include some deal-breakers: if you must date a Christian, or a vegan, or someone who does or doesn’t want kids, you can put those criteria in your search.
Go on some dates, advises Lucille. ʻJump into it and go on a date quickly, rather than, like, being too in your head about it and getting too hung-up on the process. You need to get into the practice of talking to people and getting in your groove.’
Nice advice, Lucille.
How To Break Up Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation by Sarah Catherall, published by Bateman Books, RRP $39.99, out now