Thanks to Tyson Beckett for asking me some thought-provoking questions about how to get through a break-up. Her interview covers topics like how to cope in the early days, what if you don’t have kids, how to move on, and how to ask for help if you’re an independent person.
Here’s a wee extract below.
Can you break up without breaking down? Tyson Beckett meets a Wellington author with practical tips for getting through, no matter what side of the decision you’re on.
No matter your age, life stage or general level of robustness – the early days of a breakup can knock you off your axis. Even when you recognise that the end of a connection is for the best, or came at the right time, the end of something you were once excited and hopeful about can illicit an uneasy level of self-reflection that presents anywhere from a dull ache to a searing pain.
Outside perspective can be invaluable, and friends and family are often there to be a sounding board or supportive brace – but it can sometimes be easier to ask for and accept the guidance of people who don’t know you as well. People who you don’t suspect are saying whatever it is they think you want to hear in the moment.
Enter Wellington-based journalist and mother of three Sarah Catherall who has literally written the book on breakups. Her recently released manual How To Break Up Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation details lessons learnt the hard way following the dissolution of her own marriage in 2009, but this isn’t a case of life giving you lemons and someone telling you how they’re actually an award-winning lemonade maker. Catherall’s advice is broad-reaching and widely applicable to breakups of all types. Alongside her narrative there are well-researched tips and advice gleaned from divorce coaches, family court lawyers, relationship experts and psychotherapists.
Below, she shares big-sister-style tips on how to practically and philosophically navigate your own breakup, from day one.
Tyson: In the book you talk about putting the needs of your kids first. What about if there aren’t kids involved? Am I delusional for wanting to keep my ex in my life as a friend solely for my benefit?
You can stay friends with your ex if your ex wants that too. But a separation or breakup means exactly that – too much contact and you might risk getting back together, or riding the on-again off-again relationship rollercoaster. If your ex is still in love with you, it’s better to allow them space to detach and to heal. I’m friends with my ex because he is the father of my daughters, but I wasn’t in the early days. I was too traumatised every time I saw him, swinging from love to hate to acceptance and back to love and hate again.
Some people we date or form intimate relationships with are only supposed to be in our life for a while. Or the person might be a better match as a friend than a partner. Each relationship is a bridge to meeting a person who will be a better fit for you long-term, or it might be that you choose – like some of those I interviewed for my book – to stay happily, consciously single.
Read here: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/relationship-break-ups-are-hard-new-book-from-nz-author-has-advice-to-help/IWVB6KBUE5BJTOCZIFYLHXKVT4/